This Old Mare Ain’t What She Used To Be

I’ve been reading this a lot on the blogosphere lately but March went by fast. At the beginning of the month, I went on my first family vacation in years and celebrated my boyfriend and his brother’s birthday in California. Yes, they are born five years and one day apart, which cracks me up because one of my best friend’s has a similar situation with her two children. After our family vacation, H went back to New Jersey to find an apartment for the summer and I’ve basically been nonstop balancing everything here in Phoenix. I’ve had some health issues though this past month and I think it’s because I’ve been so stressed out between work and school.

I’ve been a chronic asthmatic for as long as I remember starting shortly after birth according to my parents. My mother actually died from complications with her asthma at age 39 so I’m really no stranger to asthma and health related issues. Along with my asthma, I suffer from allergies ( shocker), scoliosis, anxiety and depression. Anxiety and scoliosis are very common for asthmatics and I’ve suffered from depression since being orphaned off and on but lately it’s been worse. I’ve been in therapy consistently since last spring along with taking meds and I still have overwhelmingly rough days. Although I am highly functioning and okay most of them time, when it hits me, it hits me hard. 

Going to school full-time while working full-time has easily been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I am always tired and exhausted and I feel crummy because my relationships have suffered with everyone. I can’t hang out as much with friends because if I’m not in class, I’m doing homework or writing a paper. If I’m not working on my education, I’m trying to balance two freelancing projects I am currently overseeing. And if I’m not doing any of those things, I’m usually catching up on sleep, doing chores to keep myself functioning or trying to catch my breath.

I am not complaining. I’m actually grateful that I can go to school. I’m grateful I have a career that allows for personal growth and development and has made accommodations so I can work from home when needed and come in late to attend classes in the mornings. I’m grateful that the people in my life know I’m trying to better myself and are so supportive of me and my education. I’m grateful for my cute new apartment and my cat with mittens. I guess when I get frustrated, I just need to remember I only have two semesters left and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to improve my earning power. I wanted this. But that doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard.